MASTERING RECOVERY: AN ATHLETES APPROACH

EATING DISORDERS

Can anyone truly recover from an eating disorder? Before answering this, let me first introduce myself. My name is Patrick Bergstrom, and I am a 25-year-old former men’s college lacrosse player. For most of my life, all I knew was success. I was a true “perfectionist.” This meant that failing for me was not an option. I breezed through the first 21 years of my life and made few mistakes. I was a standout athlete and excelled in the classroom. I could do no wrong in the eyes of those who thought they knew me best. I thought I was on the fast track to fame and glory! Yet something went drastically wrong! In all my early years, I had never experienced true failure or suffering, and I was not prepared for it. I basically drove myself into a crash-course collision of pain and devastation.

For the past three years, I have fought an endless battle against both my mind and my body. For most of this time, I truly did not know what I was fighting. I was a guy struggling with an eating disorder. Everyone around me, however, believed I really had a drinking problem. It got to the point where I believed I was merely just another poor soul who had fallen victim to the bottle. I wish this were the case, but my fate would be much worse.

It is not easy being a strong male athlete and having to face the reality that I was suffering from an eating disorder. This disorder is usually seen and treated as a “female” illness. For three years, I fought a secret war. I was alone within myself and to everything around me, and I was living a life of shame and immense pain. I was only alive in the sense that my heart continued to beat. I had an eating disorder, and those who have suffered this same fate know this is not a true “life.”

Is it possible to recover from this devastating disorder? The simple answer is yes, but the process of achieving recovery is a never-ending journey of pain and suffering. I believe that I am proof that anyone can recover from an eating disorder. To do this, however, you must be willing to work harder than you ever have in your entire life. You must also realize that, to accomplish victory, you will experience pain and failure. This article is about how I faced my eating disorder and moved toward recovering my life.

TEAMWORK

I have always been an athlete, a true competitor. This is the philosophy I followed when I chose to live again. This is the first thing that must be realized. Living a life in which an eating disorder controls every aspect of your existence is not truly living. This must first be accepted, and then the decision must be made to change it. The reality is, if you have an eating disorder, you are slowly killing yourself.

If you do not get help, you will die! This should scare you because outstanding people all over the world suffer and die from eating disorder complications. However, this fate can be avoided. There is hope for everyone struggling with an eating disorder. Hope is achieved by openly asking for help; this is most important! To conquer an eating disorder, you must become part of a greater team. Strength is in numbers. You cannot and will not beat this disorder alone!

PRE-GAME WARM UPS

Once you choose to live or cry out for help, the recovery process has begun. You have now admitted, to yourself and to the world, that you have a problem and you need help. This is key because no one can beat an eating disorder alone. Now you must determine exactly what it is that you are fighting. Society wants you to believe that an eating disorder is about food. This is not true. An eating disorder is about your past, the positives and negatives. No one just wakes up and decides to starve themselves or to binge and purge. An eating disorder is about feelings--confidence, pain, trauma, or emotion. Not all eating disorders are the same. The only common factor is that food is the “drug of choice,” or the coping mechanism, that is used when struggling with these problems. Your mind wants you to believe that food is a quick fix to the pain and suffering. In reality, whether you choose to binge and purge or to restrict the food that you are eating, you are just feeding the addiction, leaving yourself feeling worse than before. An eating disorder wants you to think that all these negative or abnormal food behaviors are “normal/healthy.” In truth, they are destroying you, little by little. Whenever you purge or restrict the amount of food you allow yourself, the disorder grows in strength.

FIRST QUARTER

Again, eating disorders are not about food. Food is not the enemy. This may seem hard to grasp at first, but understanding this is essential for the recovery process. We must face our food fears and understand that food is necessary for survival. One approach to help with this can be as simple as getting into a routine of claiming and honoring the food that our body consumes. This simple technique was introduced to me upon eating my first meal in recovery at Canopy Cove.

Canopy Cove is an eating disorder treatment center located in Tallahassee, Florida. Their program offers compassionate, comprehensive treatment for females and males of various ages, struggling with anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa, and binge eating disorders. This is where I received treatment for my eating disorder and gained the life skills to return to the life I now live today. Canopy Cove uses the “Recovery Model,” which recognizes that an eating disorder is not merely just about food, yet it focuses on deeper unresolved issues. This model represents more than behavioral change; it embraces personal growth and development of life management skills. Therefore, you can fully recover, not remaining in a continuous process of "recovering." To learn more about Canopy Cove and the various treatment plans they offer, you can visit the website at www.canopycove.com

While at Canopy Cove, I claimed my food before I ate and I honored it after eating. As an example, “I claim my chicken for meat, and I honor the chicken for giving me strong muscles.” At first, this seemed very foolish. But, it really works! Another suggestion would be to have “joy” meals, as we called them in recovery. This is where we faced our food fears. It may be having pizza for lunch or ice cream for a snack. This process allowed us to eat foods we feared and to understand that this food was not going to harm us. Again, food is an essential part of daily life and is needed for survival.

SECOND QUARTER

The easy part is realizing that food is not the real source of the problem. The hard part is finding out how and why an eating disorder has developed. When we cry out for help, the recovery process became a team challenge. I am a lacrosse player, so I saw my recovery as competing in the most important lacrosse game of my life. Make your eating disorder something you are comfortable with. If you’re a dancer, approach the disorder as you would prepare for a recital. If music is what you know and love, make the disorder like you were auditioning for American Idol.

If you are like me, I had no idea what my eating disorder was about. So I saw it as something I understood, which to me was lacrosse. My battle with my eating disorder became a four-quarter lacrosse grudge match where that I would see it through ‘til the end. I had the mindset that my disorder had taken too much, and I made the decision that “my disorder would take no more.” When I had eating-disordered thoughts, I would repeat this to myself. My negative thoughts and triggers became my fuel to the fire. I took these negative thoughts and used them as motivation. When I went into recovery, I had reached the bottom. I went into treatment a month before I was to be married. When I reached Canopy Cove, my recovery destination, I had nothing else. My wedding was called off and my fiancé had abandoned me. Do I blame her for this? No, I was suffering from an eating disorder and felt that I had no control over what I was doing. I shut myself off from everything, and I drank just to tolerate the pain. I was merely “walking dead.” Finally, I had nothing else to lose so I fought back.

HOME FIELD ADVANTAGE

One of the most important decisions that must be made when you finally realize that you truly have a problem that requires outside help is where to seek treatment. This can be a very difficult and time-consuming process. For me, it took about two weeks of research and numerous phone calls. There are so many options for treatment. You can choose a hospital setting, residential treatment, or a partial-hospitalization program. I chose to follow the partial-hospitalization program because I wanted a challenge. It really depends on individual personality and strength. Some people may need the discipline of a hospital setting and others may need personal freedom. I needed personal freedom so I chose Canopy Cove’s partial program. I went to treatment 7 days a week and lived in my own apartment at night. This enabled me to learn during the day and challenge myself at night. This is not for everyone, because you are most vulnerable to eating disorders when you are alone, in your apartment. However, this type of setting gives you the resources you need to be successful in the real world.

THIRD QUARTER

Determine your needs and find the treatment center that can meet your requirements. I wanted my recovery setting to be challenging, spiritual, and individualized. This is exactly what I found at Canopy Cove. This place allowed me to enjoy simplicity of life. I was able to experience things I would never have imagined myself doing. I painted, wrote poems, played with horses, attempted yoga, and rested in nature. These things were all out of my comfort zone--yet I loved every second of each new experience.

Follow your heart, believe in the decision, and don’t give up. I wanted to leave after the first day and fought with everyone for the first three days! However, I made the decision to stay committed to my recovery and I stayed in treatment. This choice gave me my life back. In a sense, Canopy Cove gave me a slight edge over my eating disorder because I was now fighting on “my turf.” I truly believed that Canopy Cove was the best place for me to face my past and regain my future.

THE OPPONENT

Once you have determined your battleground, there is no turning back. You must now face your opponent (eating disorder) head on and discover what you are really fighting. For me, my opponent was reliving my past. Something in my past was keeping me from living in the present. Everyone’s opponent (or eating disorder) is going to be different because no disorder is ever the same. This is probably the most painful part of recovery, yet it is the most important. The eating disorder must be stared in the eye, and every ugly and traumatic event in their past must be faced.

I am a writer, so I did this by putting my entire life story down on paper. In a sense, I was creating my own timeline of negative events, which lead to the creation of my eating disorder. The timeline of my life became my scouting report, which gave me the essential information I needed to fight my disorder. I also illustrated my eating disorder through imagery and art. I was able to visualize what my disorder looked like and I was able to transform that representation onto paper. I was also able to act out or relive my past by participating in a series of metaphorical activities where I was able to see the development of my disorder to the separation process, which is the goal of recovery. Whatever your talent or gift may be, use it to develop a timeline or battle plan to fight your opponent.

This should lead directly to the source of a disorder. When I put my story on paper, I relived everything in my past. This enabled me to understand how my eating disorder had developed and eventually taken over my entire life. I was able to determine when, where, and why it started. For me, my disorder started when I gave up on the sport of lacrosse because I thought the sport had failed me. Lacrosse was my coping device. When I gave up on it, I was left defenseless. I began to fail in life; I buried everything deep within myself. Soon, I lost control; to cope with the pain, I developed my eating disorder. This is merely the short version of how my disorder grew into a monster. The important part is that I realized through pain and suffering what the real problem was. I now knew exactly what I was fighting. This is the next step in being able to recover life.

THE TEAM

At this point, you know what you’re up against and feel comfortable with the playing field and the surroundings. It is now time to join your team and begin the real recovery process. First and foremost, you are only as strong as your team. You cannot achieve the victory of a full recovery without the help of others.

For me, at Canopy Cove, my dietician became my head coach. She was the one who mapped out my meal plan and made food corrections and increases at the proper times. She gave me the physical strength and conditioning I needed to fight the disorder. I was able to keep down food and retrain my body to feel comfortable with eating. I was also able to gain weight at a healthy pace. This gave me the physical energy I needed to fight the mental aspects of the disorder. When I came to Canopy Cove, I was very underweight and had no energy. I left Canopy Cove feeling and looking healthy. A dietician can be your best friend. Without a proper meal plan and diet, I would not have been able to complete the program. Being physically fit makes fighting the mind much easier.

Now, what can you use to attack the mental aspect or source of an eating disorder? This is where you need to use the rest of the coaching staff, or the therapy team. My therapists were amazing, and they just would not let me give up. I would come into treatment feeling like a failure, and they would turn it into a victory. Recovery is all about seeing things in the proper prospective. Therapists know what they’re talking about, and they allowed me to find good in everything. Each small victory was a huge step toward recovery!

Recovery is also about positive affirmation and feelings of worth. Being a guy, this was a little awkward. But again it worked! As an example, “my mistakes are learning tools to further my future.” An affirmation is turning something around and seeing the good in it. I continue doing this, even after being out of recovery. Every morning I create a new positive affirmation for the day. It seems simple, but it works!

Therapy is also where you get to vent and express your most intimate feelings. This can make or break your recovery. You cannot hold anything back. The therapists are not there to judge, but to listen and help you overcome and move forward from the past. This was probably the hardest part for me because I was used to keeping all my feelings inside. However, after a few days, my therapists became like my family. Trust is another key part to the recovery process. Trust the system, and trust your teammates. Be honest with yourself and hold nothing back. This is what I did, and it worked! I dredged up all my past demons and nightmares, and it made me who I am today. I put everything on the table and was able to see how and why my disorder was created. By expressing myself, I was openly telling my eating disorder, “you will take no more from me.” These few words are what I live by today.

The coaching staff for your team is important, but coaches don’t win games, players do. This is so true in recovery as well. My greatest weapons for destroying my eating disorder were my teammates. Who were my teammates? They were those amazing souls I spent 30-some days in recovery with. We came in as strangers connected only by our failures. Yet we left united, as friends and teammates in life.. I was lucky to have two of the strongest teammates one could ever wish for. I took something from each of them everyday. One gave me faith and hope when I was ready to quit, and the other made me laugh when it seemed like I could only cry. I was a guy, and I found myself being saved by two strong females. This was an amazing feeling for me, and I will never forget them. When you are in recovery, other clients are your best resources for success.

Unlike therapists, these teammates have been where I was and could relate in so many ways. I consider the two people I met in treatment to be my sisters. Trust in your teammates and they will help lead you to victory. There is great strength in numbers. An eating disorder cannot overcome the strength and heart of a team. You will be defeated only if you try to recover on your own. Recovering from an eating disorder is a team sport.

Fourth Quarter

You now have everything you need to overcome an eating disorder. The only thing left to do is to play out the rest of the game. As for me, my recovery at Canopy Cove was a success. I went in a one-man ego and came out the ultimate team player. For so many years in my sports career, I was the one who would carry the team on my shoulders. I somehow realized that to achieve victory, you must rely on the help of others. I am now in the overtime part of my recovery. The first four quarters (the treatment process) provided me with the resources and knowledge to attain my final victory. My goal is to continue with what I learned from Canopy Cove and use that in my everyday routine of life.

Life after recovery is tough, but it is a life worth living. I now wake up early in the morning with a smile and look forward to what the day is going to bring. I am excited about my future and have forgiven my past. I am truly “alive” again, and I will have a full recovery. How do I know this? I know this because I still carry my team with me. When you leave recovery, your team goes with you. I keep in touch with my therapists at Canopy Cove and I am still connected with those I met there. They are my teammates and they will never leave my side. I also meet with my therapist back home once a week just for a little extra fan support. Remember, your friends and family are your biggest fans.

I leave you with one final comment. This is probably the most important part of the recovery process. While in treatment, find something that you can connect back to. For us at Canopy Cove, the safe place was the Great Oak Trees. This was the place where eating disorders could not touch us. This is now where I go when I feel a trigger or when I want to escape from the world. Remember, the eating disorder cannot find you here. Believe in yourself but be a team player, and you will have the ultimate victory. Yes, you can recover from an eating disorder!

Recovery for me has now become helping others. My mission is to give back the gift of life to those suffering from eating disorders. I will continue to speak out for our team, and I will never give up. I fight for love, life, and freedom. To anyone who has or is struggling with an eating disorder, we are a team and together we will be victorious! If you need help or need a team mate, please contact me at patrickb@ichosetolive.com.